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Recently, a close friend asked me whether my husband and I know any other paramedics or firefighters that we could introduce her to. Another friend who was with us at that time said, "everyone knows you should NEVER marry someone in EMS." There I was, smiling between them. And, the discussion continued, of course, to whether it's a good idea to marry someone who works as a paramedic, firefighter, etc. As I listened to the two of them debating the subject that neither of them really had any personal experience with, I thought to myself... "well, what would be my answer?"
As mentioned in earlier posts, when my husband & I met, I knew very little about his career. All I knew was that he had an erratic schedule and he always seemed to be working at 3:00 am. At first, I assumed he was a bartender or working in a dance club. As we got closer, I learned that he is a paramedic and was working overnight shifts for a private ambulance company contracted with our county. Prior to all of this, prior to his move to Florida from Ohio, and prior to me, he was a firefighter for 10 years and worked as a paramedic with a fire department in Ohio. When he moved to Florida from Ohio, his fire certification didn't transfer but his paramedic certification did. Despite his 10 years of experience, there was no way to challenge the fire exam in Florida without going all the way through fire academy again. So, he went to work for a private ambulance company until he could take the time to go back to fire academy. During our dating life, I met several girlfriends & wives of his colleagues and friends who I had the chance to get to know a bit. From these friendships, I thought I had an inkling of what life would be like married to his career but I was wrong. I had no clue.
We have been together for 2 years & 7 months and we've been married now for 7 months & three weeks (thank you google widget!). Of course, we're still technically newlyweds, so take my ramblings for what they're worth. Clearly, I'm an expert! Haha ;)
Yes- marry a paramedic or fireman if you want a man who is steadfast & dependable. Their nature is one of allegiance and loyalty. If they say they will get something done, they will do everything possible to make that happen. Sometimes that means it won’t happen right away- it may be after their shift, on their next day off, or after they’ve had some time to relax. It will get done. My husband tries to remember that, even though I’m not a first responder, I’m still at the mercy of his schedule. He knows that it takes a little more understanding, a little more stress, and a little more trust for me than if he were sitting behind a desk for 8 hours each day. For this, he tries to keep his promises. Now, as I said earlier, I know a lot of my guy’s friends too. I have to say this- what I’m saying does not automatically apply to all paramedics & firefighters. Obviously, there are exceptions, just like in any group of people. But, for the most part, the paramedics & firemen I know are wonderful people who are ridiculously loyal.
N0- Don’t marry a paramedic or fireman if you are looking for a spouse who will always be around, has a stable schedule, and will make sure you’re never lonely. Trust me on this one, I’ve learned the hard way. He will have to work on Thanksgiving and you will spend the week entertaining his family from out of state. He will work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and you will spend the holidays alone in your house with your dogs because you don’t want to go out of town with your family and abandon him. He will work on your anniversary, your birthday, his birthday, mother’s day, father’s day, fourth of july, and just about every day of the year that you desperately wish that you could be with him. Usually, he won’t work every holiday in the same year (although it’s happened to us one year) but eventually, he will work every one of these days. Trust me. If you can’t live with this, don’t date anyone in EMS.
Yes- marry a paramedic or fireman if you want a sexy, hot husband! Also, if you like a man in uniform, you’re in luck!
No- don’t marry a paramedic or fireman if you don’t want every other woman in the world to think your husband is hot too! They will ogle your husband and if he’s anything like my husband, these girls will not be subtle about it! He will be smiled at, gawked at, winked at, hit on constantly, and even flashed by random women! It will never matter how inappropriate it is or where he meets these girls. Sometimes, it won’t even matter if you’re standing right beside him when it happens. Oh yeah, and every nurse within 100 miles will give him her phone number, even if she knows he’s taken. Please see above. You’re not the only woman out there who will recognize that he’s sexy, looks great in that uniform, and that he’s a hero. I’ve met girls who actually chase fire trucks & ambulances in their cars so that they can flash them when they get beside the truck, it will happen.
No- Don’t marry a paramedic or fireman if you hate going to bed alone at night. You will sleep alone probably more nights than you will sleep with him. There will be nights that he isn’t home and you have no choice. There will be other nights when he is home & you still go to bed alone. These night are harder for me than the night when he isn’t there at all. It’s hard to go to sleep knowing that he’s out in the livingroom but doesn’t want to go to bed with you. I’ve heard a lot about sleep schedules. He doesn’t want to go to bed too early on his nights off so he stays up all night in the livingroom while I have to go to sleep. I understand it, but understanding doesn’t make my nights any less lonely.
No- Don’t marry a paramedic or fireman if you think all he does is answer exciting emergency calls & “play the hero”. Yes, he will save lives, deliver babies, give parents another chance at life with their children, and give children another day with their parents. Some of his time will be spent driving patients from one hospital to another. Some of his time will be spent trying to exhibit patience when people call 911 for reasons that are clearly not emergencies. Some of his time will be spent checking trucks and helping to clean up what my husband so nicely describes as “buckets of blood”. Every year or few years, there will be days and weeks that he’ll be angry about contract disputes and union meetings. You won’t be able to fight these battles for him, no matter how much you want to, even if you’re a lawyer. Some days he’ll bring home stress and frustration about work that he won’t even tell you about. You’ll ask him “what’s wrong?” or “what’s on your mind?” and the answer will be “I’m fine.” or “don’t worry about it, it’s nothing.” For me, no matter how many times I ask, I’ll never know what’s bothering my best friend. Who knows, maybe it’s for the best that I don’t know.
Despite the fact that there are more "no" than "yes" paragraphs above, I assure you that I am very happy to be married to my hero. I am blessed beyond measure to be his wife. In all my rambling, I still haven't come to any conclusion about the initial question of whether it's a good idea to marry someone in EMS. When I asked my husband what he thought about all of this he said "it's probably not different than marrying anyone else." I beg to differ. He is right on some level though. No matter who you want to be with, it's always going to be a lot more about who the person is, and whether you want to spend the rest of your live living with and loving them. If you do, none of what I wrote above will matter to you. Every marriage requires sacrifice. If you join this family, your sacrifice will be different than if you were to marry a banker or an accountant. It's not a decision that will make your life more simple. It's not always an easy life, but it's a life, and it's with him- that's the part that counts.
my husband & i have been married for almost 3 months now. i preface this post by admitting to the obvious: i don't know anything about being a good wife, at least not yet. every day i'm trying though. we have the same struggles that most couples do, which can usually be discussed with and understood by girlfriends or my mom. then, we also have some obstacles to overcome that i feel like i have to figure out on my own because i don't have any friends or family members that can relate to these ones.
my husband is a paramedic. sounds sexy, huh? well, it is. but, there's a lot more to think about besides how hot he looks in his uniform.
i'm a lawyer. for me, going to work is a lot like going running or going to the gym: i usually have to convince myself to do it but i always feel better once i've gone. my husband is usually much more enthusiastic about both.
i met my husband just before thanksgiving. when i asked him what he was doing for thanksgiving, he said he was working. i didn't think much of it then. a week later, i text messaged him to invite him to go out with my friends on a saturday night. his response: "i'm at work until 4:00 am." i didn't say anything for a second, and i didn't know what to think about this. i couldn't imagine what he could be doing. "who works on thanksgiving day and until 4 am on a saturday night?" i thought. i wrote back to him, "what are you a bartender or something?" he responded, "i'm a paramedic." i felt embarrassed. first responders don't work regular hours like i do and they don't get the day off for the holidays. the more i got to know him, the more i learned to admire him. i couldn't believe it when he told me that his family was 16 hours away and he didn't know when he would see them next, but it wouldn't be for christmas. he was going to be working on christmas eve, and christmas too.
about 2.5 years later, i am that paramedic's wife. on january 1st each year, we sit together and check the calendar to see which major holidays he is scheduled to work that year. almost every time, he's working for most of them. for one full year of our relationship, he worked every single holiday. when most people are traveling to see their loved ones, or relaxing with their families, we can't. i spent thanksgiving alone this year because my family was traveling and Adam was working. when a hurricane is forecasted, i wait nervously every second for the call saying that he has to go to work and we'll be separated during the storm. at the end of each shift he works, i wait for the text message to tell me he won't be getting out on time- emergencies are, by definition, unpredictable.
i spent nights alone. a lot of nights. our schedules were opposite for quite some time. i got out of my office an hour after he left for work. he got home from work in the morning fifteen minutes before my alarm clock started to buzz. it was lonely. 80% of our communication happened via text message. we learned to savor the moments we could spend together and learned to cram a lot into the 2 or 3 nights we had together each week. it was trying.
there are times when i feel like we have lot to complain about and, on some days, i do. this thanksgiving, i realized something though- the person who should be complaining about going to work on Thanksgiving was not the one complaining. i can see how passionate he is about his job, how much he cares about providing excellent care to his patients, how much time he spends outside work reading articles to keep abreast of current events in the ems world and constantly improve his skills and become more educated. most of all, i realized that the sacrifices we make are worth it to make him happy, to keep him fulfilled. for me to complain about him going to work on Thanksgiving is for me to complain about all the things about him that made me love him in the first place.
sometimes i ask him what he would want to do if he couldn't be a medic anymore. he never really answers me. he seems to think about it some, but he always just says "i'm happy doing what i'm doing now." that's all i need to know.
of course, i'm not perfect at this yet, but knowing that he's happy will get me through today.
stumbled accross this blog today & thought i would share it: http://voices.yahoo.com/tips-survive-being-married-paramedic-3700116.html
Elle Künstlerin wrote:
" I am married to a paramedic and I was one in my former life before becoming a stay-at-home mom. It's a miracle that we ever managed to have a baby because few birth control methods are more effective than two paramedics working at different places on different shifts. It was tough back then but having the same career made it easy to deal with the unpredictability and missed Christmases. Now that we live totally different lives, coping isn't always easy. I've come up with a few tips and some humor (hopefully) to help you cope if you're lucky enough to be married to a paramedic too. I'm fairly sure my tips can help you if you're married to a firefighter too, but since I'm not, I can't vouch for 100% crossover in applicability.
- Tip #1: Never schedule anything within six hours of a shift ending or starting. If you do, you will almost always have to cancel or go alone. It's cliche to invoke Murphy's Law but it's the only explanation for this peculiar phenomenon--unless you want to go with the idea that there's a grand conspiracy out there to get you. I go with the latter myself, but not everyone wants to admit that there's a grand conspiracy out there to get them. Your spouse is never guaranteed to get off of work on time. Never. Ever. Never. No one can ever predict when a bunch of idiots on cell phones applying makeup reading the newspaper eating breakfast will decide to get in a car accident. So if you schedule an appointment or engagement shortly after your spouse is supposed to come home, you're just asking for it. Same goes for scheduling something within a few hours of when your spouse is supposed to go to work. If they need extra manpower at work, chances are they'll call and if your spouse values their job, they'll head in.
- Tip #2: Remember that sentimentality is for normal families, not for yours. What I mean is your spouse will have to work on important dates, be it your birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving and every other important date in your life. It's not always possible to take off or switch for those days, especially if it's a biggie like Christmas. If you are hung up on celebrating Christmas on December 25th, you'll be celebrating without your spouse. It really is okay to open presents on December 24th or 26th, especially if your spouse gets holiday pay. Don't pass up on time and a half in this economy!
- Tip #3: Be understanding. Easier said than done, yeah, I know, I know. But you can either get pissed off that your spouse missed little Susy's piano recital or little Matt's baseball game, be in a foul mood and end up with a tension headache, or you can be understanding, avoid deeper frown lines and save money on Tylenol. Special events will be missed, just like holidays, and it can be difficult to explain to children why Mommy or Daddy couldn't be there. My daughter is two now and I tell her that Daddy is helping people with boo-boos or people who don't feel good and she understands. Once they get older you can joke about it with them: tell them that Mommy or Daddy has to help idiots on cell phones applying makeup reading the newspaper eating breakfast who get in car accidents.
- Tip #4: Try not to be suspicious of your spouse's relationship with his/her opposite sex partner. I admit that a lot more than saving lives goes on in the back of ambulances sometimes, but most medics are too tired to get busy on the job (and at home, but I don't need to tell you that, do I?) If your spouse has worked with the same partner for a long time, trust me, they know each other too well to ever think about getting naked together unless they're being deconned after a hazmat incident.
- Tip #5: Try not to be suspicious if your spouse is gone longer than s/he says they will be. Similar to Tip #1, emergencies happen when you least expect them (they just wouldn't be the same if they were planned). Your spouse may get a late call and not be able to let you know. The likelihood that s/he is out drinking with coworkers is remote (but it's possible) and we established in Tip #4 that most medics are too tired to get busy.
- Tip #6: Let them sleep. The life of a medic is never easy. It's almost impossible to relax while on duty because of the anticipation of a call, being on a call, and recovering from a call. Even if they get to sleep all night, it's not restful because they're anticipating a call. So when they come home after a shift, just let them sleep, no matter how much you want them to stay up and wash the dishes.
- Tip #7: Understand that the honey-do list may never get completed. Refer to Tip #5: medics are always tired and probably don't have that much time off. What's more important to you, painting the dining room or spending quality time with your spouse? As long as your parents aren't coming next week, the dining room can wait.
- Tip #8: Ask them how their shift went. But don't ask them for details because you probably don't want to know. You might think you want to know, but do you really want to hear about someone's brains splattered against a wall? Nah, probably not. But if you do, you should become a medic too.
- Tip #9: Don't get mad is s/he doesn't answer your calls or texts for hours on end. Dying people take priority over a text asking what your spouse wants for dinner. If you have an emergency and need to get in touch with your spouse, call 911. I'm kidding, but you should come up with some kind of signal to let them know they need to pay attention to you. My personal fave is calling incessantly until my husband answers and yells, "WHAT?!"
It's definitely not easy to spend your life with a paramedic but keeping your sense of humor and remembering that your spouse is saving lives goes a long way to making life a little easier."
