being thankful

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.
Psalm 100:4

2009 has been a tough year on all accounts. Today is Thanksgiving, and thankfulness has been weighing on my mind recently. As most people i know, i have so much to be thankful for each day but do not always find the peace and presence of mind to appreciate these things. Today, I will try to remember some of the things that I appreciate and I will make an effort to take more time to be thankful every day.
 

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." 

~John F Kennedy

Here are some of the things that i am thankful for today: 

-despite and because all of the hardship that i've encountered this year and last, my relationship with God has grown incredibly. I am thankful for Him and everything that He is, has been, and always will be. He is everything to me.  

-i have the most incredible family a girl could ever hope for. we've been through a lot together in the past year or two, but we always pull together when times get tough and we get through everything... together.  

-even though i'm not doing what i had hoped to be doing, i am thankful that i have a job. i feel fortunate to have a job at all, especially in such a a tough job market. i count that blessing each morning as i drive over the bridge on my way to work.  

-i am thankful for the breathtaking views i get to see each morning on my way to work and each evening on my way home, watching the sun come up over the water and then watching it sink into the water on my way home.  

-i am thankful for the opportunity to stand beside my baby brother a couple of weeks ago as he married the girl of his dreams. seeing how he loves Kelly the way Jesus loves us is inspirational. I am so blessed to have such a brother, he is a wonderful man. Kelly is a lucky girl.  

-i am thankful for the precious time that i was able to spend with the rest of my family while in Lousianna for Adam's wedding- both sets of grandparents, my uncles, my aunt, and my cousins.  

-i am thankful for my health  

-i am thankful for my sweet and loving dogs and that Sonny (the oldest cockatiel in the world) is still alive and healthy.  

-that i have the ability to help the people around me and be giving when i have an abundance to give from and continue to give even when i have little.  

-i am thankful that i was led to a start attending a new church this year and for the awesome church home that i have found at Calvary Chapel St. Pete. i love going to church every week and i look forward to it. i really learn a lot of new things there and have met some awesome people through the 2 ministries that i've become involved with. i hope to have the opportunity to get more involved there this year.  

-i am thankful for my roomate, Toya.... in college, i lived with some awesome guys- Pat, Martin, and Adam.  we were friends, got along great, had fun together, and laughed a lot. it's hard to find good roommates... but i am lucky to have Toya. she's awesome. we have fun together, we go places and do things together, we talk a lot, and our house is always filled with love and laughter. we were friends before we moved in together, and we were both nervous about how living together would affect our friendship, but it has really turned out great. she has been an awesome friend to me and living with her makes life much more full and fun. i am thankful for her.  

-my friends. when your life isn't perfect anymore- that's when you find out who your true friends are. the people who stick by your side no matter what, the ones who make you laugh when you forget how it feels to laugh... i am so lucky to find myself surrounded in the company of a few of the most amazing people in the world, who i am blessed to call my friends. i could never put into words how wonderful they are and the difference they have made in my life. for them, i am truly thankful.  

-Glee & One Tree Hill, the two TV shows that i am shamelessly addicted to.  

-Music... enough said.  

-i am thankful that i was able to graduate law school this year.  

-i am thankful that i was able to have the opportunity to travel to Costa  Rica this summer, it was eye opening to travel out of the USA for the first time. And, since then, I have had a thirst to travel more and more... i want to see the world, or at least a lot of it. Also, while in Costa Rica, i was fortunate enough to meet a new friend, Mark, whom i am thankful for.  

-Yoga. In a time in my life when things can get stressful, i'm grateful for yoga. tell me, ya'll, what other form of exercise includes going to class with flip-flops on and finishing with a nap- separated by a good butt-kicking in between?

I lift my friend to You.... For A.C.

This has been on my mind for quite some time, but I haven't been able to put it into words here or anywhere. I've been struggling in my relationship with my best friend recently. I talked about him before, in another post here, how it's hard to talk about tough subjects with him because if you say something that he doesn't want to hear, he avoids you all together. Well, I don't know if he does that with everyone else or just me, but that's been my experience with him. 

So, we haven't really talked about things in detail, because he avoids it. But, I know that he's been making some lifestyle choices lately that are not consistent with his Christian faith. I don't want to say too much here because i don't know how to make these posts private and it's not something that i want to be public information. 

When I met him, he was such an inspiration to me. He was such an incredible man of God, someone who made me want to be a better person. He had such a kind, humble, servant's heart and he was so disciplined and honest, compassionate, gentle, and joyful. Everything about him... he was one of the best people I had ever met. In recent months though, things have changed.  I noticed these changes starting in July. He has become very secretive, not completely honest, and very concerned with himself. At times he is unkind, he is cold toward people that he used to care about (including me), and judgmental. It hurts me to say or think or feel these things about my best friend, but I am so very concerned for him. I can't talk to him about this because he either gets mad, pushes me away, or just blows me off. So, my only choice has been just to leave him alone and pray for him. He is going out and doing things that are not in line with our beliefs at all. I know that everyone does that sometimes, and i am definitely not pretending that I am without fault or that i don't sin. But, the things that he has been doing I fear are hard to recover from. He is sneaking around, not coming home for 3 or 4 nights in a row, and lying to those people whom he used to care about. 

I know that he is struggling with something very specific. He's making choices that he doesn't have to make. I don't want to say what it is in a public forum, but he definitely needs prayer. As a friend, I feel helpless when I realize that I can't do anything else for him but just pray.


Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do. 
I lift my friend, to You. 
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view. 
Lord I lift my friend up to You. 

I fear that I won’t have the words that he needs to hear. 
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God and a heart that's sincere. 
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You. 
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You. 
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You. 

There's a way that seems so right to him. 
But You know where that leads. 
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings. 
And Lord I lift my friend up to You. 

Lord I lift my friend to You. 
 I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

Prayer for a Friend

sick

i don't feel well today... i can't stand feeling sick. i know that it will take a little time and i will start to feel better, but in all honesty, sometimes i just want to whine about it. instead, i will pray about it.

Dear Jesus, I have been feeling sick and even now feel tired and weak. Still, there are so many things to do and nobody but me to do them. If I stay in bed will You make me soup? Will You take care of my pets? Will you  go to my office and get my work done and write the checks that must be sent today?

Sometimes You do send me manna from heaven in the form of a friend. But when I must do for myself, give me strength to accomplish all that must be done: to cook so that I may eat, to pay bills, to do my job, to have patience with those around me.


Sometimes, at times like this that I feel so alone, so vulnerable and sometimes even frightened of the future. I feel lonely. But You have said You will be with me, You will not forget or forsake me. Will You wrap Your arms of love around me now and comfort me when I feel weak?



Also, my poor puppy Zeus is sick today. His stomach is upset and he is not eating. He is whining and crying and being very clingy. I do not know how to make him feel better. 

My family

my commute

yes, my commute to and from my office is ridiculously long... but sometimes it has its advantages. this was one of the most breathtaking sunsets i have ever seen. the photos don't do it justice. also- taking pictures while driving= kinda dangerous ;)

Salt Water

The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea. 

~Isak Dinesen

 

Friday Funday

it's finally friday! i never thought this week would end! it seems that lately i never have a good day or bad day, instead it has become a series of weeks where everything seems to go right or everything seems to go wrong. this week has been one of the bad ones.  i can't even adequately list the stressful and frustrating events that have occurred this week (so, in an effort towards positivity, i won't even try). needless to say, i am so grateful that friday has finally arrived! 

my relationship with my best friend is on the rocks right now, which is really bothering me. we have been having a lot of miscommunication lately.it seems like everything i say or do he reads into or takes to mean something that it doesn't. his solution to every potential conflict is avoidance- but i don't mean avoiding the confrontation (like i do), i mean avoiding the person all together. so, if i say something he doesn't like, he just stops talking to me all together for several days. and, because i am who i am, i cannot take that. i would so much rather be yelled at or have mean things said to me than to know that there is an issue and have someone just refuse to communicate with me. so, of course, i try to get it out of him what is going on and why he's avoiding me and he, of course avoids me even more. then, i eventually say something, anything to get him to respond and it ends in him saying "i've just been busy. you're creating drama in your mind where there is none." funny, you've never been this busy before, in the entire time i've known you. come to think of it, when you spent the whole summer in Egypt and Europe and i was studying for the Bar Exam, there was never even a period of 2 days where i didn't hear from you. yeah, i'm really supposed to believe that he has been so ridiculously busy for the past 4 days that it has been physically impossible for him to pick up the phone and send a text? or maybe he has been lost in a cave in some foreign land where there is no such thing as a cell tower and they still carry postal mail with horses so his letters just haven't arrived yet?


he's my best friend and i miss him. there. i said it. i miss him. he used to talk to me and text me all the time and we would go places and do things together and it was fun. he made me laugh and we got along and i never had to try to be someone i'm not with him. i guess nothing lasts forever.


regardless of the fact that his absence has recently caused a hole in my social calendar as well as a silence that my cell phone has never experienced, i am trying to make the best of it and spend time with my other friends and have fun. you know, keep my mind off of it. i am looking forward to this weekend's plans. 

• tonight: a big group of friends is getting together for dinner, then going to see New Moon. 
• tomorrow night: my roommate and i are going out dancing, which we always have fun doing. 
• sunday: church. something awesome happened last night too. my roommate asked me "are you going to church on sunday?" i said "yeah, i always go." she responded, "ok. i think i would like to go with you." :) i'm excited that she asked to go without even being invited. :)

it looks like next week will be good too. i usually work about 60 hours per week, and it's impossible to get any time off around here unless you need to attend your own funeral. even then, there would probably be an argument. so, any time off is something  that i do not take for granted. 

• Monday, I get to go to court in the morning (i love going to court!) and then go down to our corporate office for a thanksgiving potluck lunch. since corporate is a 3 1/2 hour drive from our office, we don't have to go back to work afterward. 
• Tuesday will be a normal work day, but I have an interview for a position at the Office of the Attorney General's Child Support Enforcement office after work.
• Wednesday the office is closing at 5:00 (yes, that's early for me!)
• Thursday we're off for Thanksgiving 
• Friday the office is closed.

So, even though there are some frustrating things going on right now, I have a lot to look forward to! 


Random photo to leave you with: (my roommate and i on Halloween)

Jeremiah 29:11

One of my favorite Bible verses has always been Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I realize that this is also one of the most popular verses for many people. Everyone stops after verse 11, but I love it all the way down through verse 14. The rest is so revelatory!

12 "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

wow... i that is just sooo great!!

I don't know why, even though it's my favorite, this has also been one of the hardest for me to wrap my mind around. Perhaps if the first part of God's sentence read "For I know the plans I have for you, and you don't." it would resonate a little more in my day to day life.

I don't know what compelled me to write a facebook note. As a general rule, I would like to do pretty much anything that does not include studying for the Florida Trusts part of the bar exam right now.

So here I am.

Recently, I've been very blessed to know the joy of talking to a friend about the many many many questions they have about God, and who He is, and what He wants, and what that looks like, and why He does the things He does, and why He lets the things happen that we wish wouldn't. I was initially nervous at the idea of being someone who would be faced with some potentially hard questions. What if I didn't have an answer? What if I had the wrong answer? I don't know. Anyway, like i said, it has truly been a blessing to be able to share in this friend's journey.

I am not worried about being "that girl" and trying to steer the conversation places people don't feel comfortable with, in fact, I am being approached to talk about these very things.

It's mind blowing. I'm not that girl.

But here I am trying to explain God's ways to someone. How humbling.

That certainly wasn't part of my plan. I just can't believe that God is able to use such a variety of characters to tell His story. God is planning for us all, to prosper us, to give us hope. To be a light when all other lights have gone out.

This blows my mind.

But the funny thing is, I am happy. I no longer feel like I'm living this life of trying to appease God or meet a standard for God or meet God half way. He has put things on my heart, and the more I trust Him with these scary things, the more He shows me the joy that can come from living my life this way. I am not worried that I recently graduated from law school, earned a doctorate degree and am yet STILL unemployed. I am not worried that my student loans will be due soon or that i have to take the bar exam (the hardest exam i will ever face) in about 20 days, or that I have to move out of my house in 28 days and have no idea where to move, or even what part of the state I will live in next month. Has there been food on my plate? A roof above my head? Friends to share things with? An incredible family full of people who i love and respect more each and every day? Yes!

Last week I was able to give a bunch of furniture and household items, food, and clothing to a family that I know needs these items more than I do. I was overjoyed at being able to give up a part of what I have been given. The mother wanted to pay me back somehow, but I told her it would be a huge service to me if she did not. I asked her to repay someone else she knew. Even at that I felt let down...what I should have communicated is that I'm giving this to her because I believe that there is a God who loves her and is offering her His love for free! I wanted to tell her that I do not wish to bring glory to myself through the gifts that I have been blessed with from God.
But i just told her to pay someone else back.

I'm getting into tangent territory here.

Okay. So I didn't exactly communicate the whole part of my intent for giving away these items, but I am at least happy that God is taking my heart to a place it has never been before. Even as I type this, I cannot wait for the next opportunity I will get to be a blessing to someone who cannot bless me back.

Isn't that what we're called to? We have been loved by a God who can gain nothing from our love. The only response I can think of is to attempt a crude impression with how I live my life.


Also, since this is a new blog, i've decided to end each entry with a random photo, so here's the first: (my baby brother, Adam, and i on his wedding day 10/24/09)